Father's Day

Well, this has seemed to be the hardest Father's Day ever. Oh we went to church and honored all the fathers. We honored my children's father by taking him out to lunch. But the day was just a hard day. I made a card for my father, which doesn't seem to out of the ordinary, however, my father died Christmas Eve morning. For the most part I think I handled my father's death fairly well. I tried to stay strong for the family, etc. Well, back to today. I took my card to the cemetary, but before I could place it near his stone, I knocked another car's mirror off. It was an accident, but I felt horrible. They were there, as I was, to honor their father's memory and I tried to squeeze passed them. They were parked partly on, partly off the driveway and I thought I could squeeze by. Unfortunately our mirrors connected. After talking with them and the officer, I was allowed to go. I pulled away and the tears came. Not just tears, but sobs. I pulled up and found my dad's stone and placed his card amongst the flowers that were there. I went back to the van and wept. Not just tears of sorrow, but tears of anger. Anger?? Well, first I was angry with myself for not thinking, then I thought I am angry at the fact that I even had to be delivering my father's card to a cemetary. If he would have been at home where he belonged, I would not have to have even been at the cemetary and I would not have knocked that guys mirror off. Then the tears flooded even more as I thought about the past several months after my father's death. My mom has been forced to sell her house because her retirement & social security is not enough to make her mortgage payments. At her age she shouldn't even have to be worrying about mortgage payments. I know we shouldn't be angry over all these things. This is the first I have really admitted that I have had these angry thoughts, let alone voice them to any one. I don't know why I voiced them here, but I needed to voice them to someone. I know God is always there and he hears our every cry. I do believe that, but sometimes I feel I can't voice anger or hurt or disappointment. I know God understands these feelings, but sometimes I feel like I should not be voicing these feelings to God. At any rate, I love the Lord and He is big enough to hear my rants and still love me. I am thankful for that. By the way, I loved my father very much. He was a very good father. Did we always see eye to eye? Not on your life, but I know he loved me. Today more than any other day I would have given the world to be able to curl up in my father's lap and let him hold me like he did as a child and even a few years ago, when I was much older. I guess since I have no earthly father anymore, I will have to climb into the lap of my Heavenly Father and let him place his arms of comfort around me. Thank you dad for being such a good dad on earth and thank you Heavenly father for allowing me to have such a great dad and also for your comfort while he is away.